Personal growth

Personal growth can be scary, I know this, you know this, hell over half the population knows this. Have you ever watched a video of yourself from ten years ago and thought to yourself "Dear God, was that really me?" I have. I have done the same with pictures, journals and all other recorded evidence.

It would appear that I am a bit of a chameleon. I seem to change with the wind constantly adapting to my environment. I have because of this become a very eclectic person, a person that under the right conditions some would even call interesting. Unfortunately others tend to call me fake as I can swap personalities in the blink of an eye. I am very much me, a little apathetic on occasion, overly compassionate when the situation calls for it and always a bit crazy.

I have a pretty bad track record when it comes to relationships, all relationships. Anyone I have ever truly loved I have lost. My granny when I was 11, My grandfather (Boppa) when I was 13, a childhood friend was killed in a drive by when I was 16 and my favorite cousin died a prisoner of war before I turned 18 (I found out several years later). Since adulthood I have lost the other set of grandparents, my brother, a lover, several friends and family members on September 11th and most recently my daughter at 5 months of age. Because of this and a similarly bad record of people walking away I do not trust in love, I generally don't trust anything.

A lot of therapy and meditation has brought about the first hopes of change. I am still very much afraid to love or to be loved, however I can now accept it, scary as it is. And for the first time in my adulthood I can accept the possibility that the man I love just might be in it for the long haul.

Much more interesting blogs to follow, this has been one of those weeks and I just haven't felt very creative.