Improvement in my mental state.

For anyone who has ever lost a child there are certain breakthroughs from time to time. The last real improvement for me was a little over a year ago, I finally quit waking up sobbing nightly. Tonight while going through old pictures I found a random disc, I popped it into the lappy and transferred the picture files. They were pictures of my late daughter.

At first I was too shocked to really look at them, then I found videos from her first two days of life. Since she passed away I've had this horrible picture of her in my mind, one that I could not shake. When I would think of her or look at her photos I would see her in either memories or film doing whatever it was she was doing but she always looked like she did the morning I found her. For those of you who have never seen a baby without any life in them thank whatever God you may worship. It is a terrible, evil sight. It is the only thing I have seen in years now when thinking of my baby. Tonight when I discovered those videos I was terrified to actually watch them but at the same time I couldn't stop myself.

I turned on the video that captured the first few minutes of her life after birth and for the first time since she passed I saw her as she lived. It was a beautiful, precious moment to have that part of her back, to be able to think of my daughter and picture her tiny face filled with life. I cried, I made my best friend come look at the video with me while I held onto him with so many emotions coursing through me all at the same time.

You are probably looking at this with a bit of confusion, perhaps wondering why I would feel it necessary to share such a story. Well here are my reasons. First of all, being able to look at a picture of my daughter without seeing death on her face gives me a feeling of wonderment. Secondly, there is always the chance however small that this blog will be seen by someone who has also lost a child and while they're particular grief may very well not be as mine, perhaps knowing that it is possible to not get over, but to accept will help them in some way.

To anyone who shares with me the loss of a son or a daughter I would like to say, while you will always suffer some form of grief, you will one day reach a point where you can smile when you think of your child. It isn't easy, it doesn't happen anywhere near fast enough, but it does happen.

Tonight I will go to sleep with a picture of the lively, happy baby that for such a short time was my entire world in my mind. Tomorrow I will wake up, thank the divine for this gift of relief and take another tiny step on the road to recovery.