It's been a while...

So it turns out I'm even lazier than I realized, I looked at my link to this on Ravelry and realized that it had been two months since I even logged in.

Not a lot has changed, I've barely had time to knit, I have read a grand total of two books and I am relatively certain I haven't even cooked a real meal in weeks...

On the upside I'm still alive, I'm somehow maintaining not only my relationship but the two friendships that matter to me and have just reconnected with a dear friend that I have seen no more than three times in the last year. One day I will tell you about this fellow, but for now I'm going to log off of here and have lunch with him.

Cheers all.

A lobster. I am one.

That's right, first bad burn of the year. I am several different shades of bright red mixed with a bit of mauve, very sexy I have to say. Hopefully it will be better in a few days and I can go do it again, I am determined to get my legs tanned this year come hell or high water, I am an embarrassment to Italians, Jews, and Armenians everywhere with these day glow legs of mine... Maybe I should just make more long skirts, that would definitely be simpler. Of course that would also remove the need to have the man of my dreams slather me with lotion... meh I can live with the burning for that...

If you were not already aware, please note; McDonald's espresso is disgusting, seriously disgusting, sadly that is my only option here, so bottoms up! I think it's time to get going on the coffee house/bakery idea before this shit kills me.

Time to go dig up some breakfast, the hell with dropping down to a 3 for my wedding, he seems to like my ass just as it is anyway.

I'm damn well going to make this a good day.

Updates:

I'm now engaged, my ring is a gorgeous! It's Opals, Blue Topaz, and a Sapphire in the center, shaped like a flower, all man made gems so no children were injured in the making of this ring, truly gorgeous!

I seem to have bonded with his two youngest children which is great since I will be spending half their lives taking care of them.

And today is his birthday, I successfully pulled off my surprise without a hitch, at least it appears I did, if not he's one of the best actors I've ever seen.

The day started out pretty rough, got home late last night thanks to certain peoples dumbassery, ended up in an argument and didn't get to sleep til three am, had to wake up at five thirty this morning to get him to work and then he found out he had a new partner, it was by and far a shitty thirtieth birthday. Then I brought him his present and it's been good ever since, I think it helped that I finally reactivated my cell aka leash, so now he doesn't have to worry if I'm out and about for several hours.

Now to go bake a cake and get supper stuffs together.

Personal growth

Personal growth can be scary, I know this, you know this, hell over half the population knows this. Have you ever watched a video of yourself from ten years ago and thought to yourself "Dear God, was that really me?" I have. I have done the same with pictures, journals and all other recorded evidence.

It would appear that I am a bit of a chameleon. I seem to change with the wind constantly adapting to my environment. I have because of this become a very eclectic person, a person that under the right conditions some would even call interesting. Unfortunately others tend to call me fake as I can swap personalities in the blink of an eye. I am very much me, a little apathetic on occasion, overly compassionate when the situation calls for it and always a bit crazy.

I have a pretty bad track record when it comes to relationships, all relationships. Anyone I have ever truly loved I have lost. My granny when I was 11, My grandfather (Boppa) when I was 13, a childhood friend was killed in a drive by when I was 16 and my favorite cousin died a prisoner of war before I turned 18 (I found out several years later). Since adulthood I have lost the other set of grandparents, my brother, a lover, several friends and family members on September 11th and most recently my daughter at 5 months of age. Because of this and a similarly bad record of people walking away I do not trust in love, I generally don't trust anything.

A lot of therapy and meditation has brought about the first hopes of change. I am still very much afraid to love or to be loved, however I can now accept it, scary as it is. And for the first time in my adulthood I can accept the possibility that the man I love just might be in it for the long haul.

Much more interesting blogs to follow, this has been one of those weeks and I just haven't felt very creative.

Improvement in my mental state.

For anyone who has ever lost a child there are certain breakthroughs from time to time. The last real improvement for me was a little over a year ago, I finally quit waking up sobbing nightly. Tonight while going through old pictures I found a random disc, I popped it into the lappy and transferred the picture files. They were pictures of my late daughter.

At first I was too shocked to really look at them, then I found videos from her first two days of life. Since she passed away I've had this horrible picture of her in my mind, one that I could not shake. When I would think of her or look at her photos I would see her in either memories or film doing whatever it was she was doing but she always looked like she did the morning I found her. For those of you who have never seen a baby without any life in them thank whatever God you may worship. It is a terrible, evil sight. It is the only thing I have seen in years now when thinking of my baby. Tonight when I discovered those videos I was terrified to actually watch them but at the same time I couldn't stop myself.

I turned on the video that captured the first few minutes of her life after birth and for the first time since she passed I saw her as she lived. It was a beautiful, precious moment to have that part of her back, to be able to think of my daughter and picture her tiny face filled with life. I cried, I made my best friend come look at the video with me while I held onto him with so many emotions coursing through me all at the same time.

You are probably looking at this with a bit of confusion, perhaps wondering why I would feel it necessary to share such a story. Well here are my reasons. First of all, being able to look at a picture of my daughter without seeing death on her face gives me a feeling of wonderment. Secondly, there is always the chance however small that this blog will be seen by someone who has also lost a child and while they're particular grief may very well not be as mine, perhaps knowing that it is possible to not get over, but to accept will help them in some way.

To anyone who shares with me the loss of a son or a daughter I would like to say, while you will always suffer some form of grief, you will one day reach a point where you can smile when you think of your child. It isn't easy, it doesn't happen anywhere near fast enough, but it does happen.

Tonight I will go to sleep with a picture of the lively, happy baby that for such a short time was my entire world in my mind. Tomorrow I will wake up, thank the divine for this gift of relief and take another tiny step on the road to recovery.

Day 13

Haven't slept since the last post, not at all... I have however somehow taught myself how to make some absolutely adorable crocheted rings, I believe I will be making a fairly decent amount for the fourth of July heritage festival. We'll see how that goes. 

Clearly either I was right and there are so few people any God would want on this earth that we didn't notice the prophesied rapture or there was no rapture... Either way I'm still here and still knitting/crocheting away sans sleep.

I have discovered that my general feeling of apathy is returning for everything but yarn and food. This disturbs me as I have spent the last few years trying to break away from that mindset. Ah well, no use crying over spilled milk eh? Perhaps once I sleep I will get out of this funk.

The seven little kittens now have teeth and are walking, not much longer and I will be able to reclaim the house and my allergies will thank  me for it...

I would kill someone for some pollo fundido and a fried ice cream. Oh and diet coke and maybe coffee. Clearly I need more caffeine, but maybe I should just leave it be and perhaps get some sleep tonight. Tomorrow I can go on a search for coffee, diet coke and maybe a lemon ice while I'm at it. 

  

 

Can't sleep, clowns will eat me...

Day eleven of insomniatic hell, no I don't care that insomniatic is not a real word and you wouldn't either if you had spent eleven days getting less than three hours sleep per night.

I'm sleepy, cranky and hurting everywhere. I'm in the mood to fight with someone and will probably end up doing just that when the significant other wakes up and reads my hateful email... I didn't intend to be hateful but I was.

Along with the lack of sleep there has been a lack of interest in food... I have barely been able to choke down one meal per day, for anyone that has ever spent any time around me this would be by far the most shocking thing I could say, I haven't even wanted coffee. Maybe it is time to go see the doctor...

Now on the upswing, I have successfully lost the ten or so pounds that I've been meaning to drop and the lack of sleep has allowed time for several projects I had been putting off. I just have to hope that I don't doze off while knitting and poke out an eye.

Chocolate cake, that I would like, that would be tasty. Is it worth it to me to go and dig out the ingredients, mix and bake said cake at 4:36 am? I think not. I do however think that later this afternoon I will gravitate towards the kitchen and attempt to make a black beast sans spring form pan.

Well I'm out of smokes, guess it's time to go on an adventure to the car and start digging, pretty sure I hid a partial pack from myself in there.