It's been a while...

So it turns out I'm even lazier than I realized, I looked at my link to this on Ravelry and realized that it had been two months since I even logged in.

Not a lot has changed, I've barely had time to knit, I have read a grand total of two books and I am relatively certain I haven't even cooked a real meal in weeks...

On the upside I'm still alive, I'm somehow maintaining not only my relationship but the two friendships that matter to me and have just reconnected with a dear friend that I have seen no more than three times in the last year. One day I will tell you about this fellow, but for now I'm going to log off of here and have lunch with him.

Cheers all.

A lobster. I am one.

That's right, first bad burn of the year. I am several different shades of bright red mixed with a bit of mauve, very sexy I have to say. Hopefully it will be better in a few days and I can go do it again, I am determined to get my legs tanned this year come hell or high water, I am an embarrassment to Italians, Jews, and Armenians everywhere with these day glow legs of mine... Maybe I should just make more long skirts, that would definitely be simpler. Of course that would also remove the need to have the man of my dreams slather me with lotion... meh I can live with the burning for that...

If you were not already aware, please note; McDonald's espresso is disgusting, seriously disgusting, sadly that is my only option here, so bottoms up! I think it's time to get going on the coffee house/bakery idea before this shit kills me.

Time to go dig up some breakfast, the hell with dropping down to a 3 for my wedding, he seems to like my ass just as it is anyway.

I'm damn well going to make this a good day.

Updates:

I'm now engaged, my ring is a gorgeous! It's Opals, Blue Topaz, and a Sapphire in the center, shaped like a flower, all man made gems so no children were injured in the making of this ring, truly gorgeous!

I seem to have bonded with his two youngest children which is great since I will be spending half their lives taking care of them.

And today is his birthday, I successfully pulled off my surprise without a hitch, at least it appears I did, if not he's one of the best actors I've ever seen.

The day started out pretty rough, got home late last night thanks to certain peoples dumbassery, ended up in an argument and didn't get to sleep til three am, had to wake up at five thirty this morning to get him to work and then he found out he had a new partner, it was by and far a shitty thirtieth birthday. Then I brought him his present and it's been good ever since, I think it helped that I finally reactivated my cell aka leash, so now he doesn't have to worry if I'm out and about for several hours.

Now to go bake a cake and get supper stuffs together.

Personal growth

Personal growth can be scary, I know this, you know this, hell over half the population knows this. Have you ever watched a video of yourself from ten years ago and thought to yourself "Dear God, was that really me?" I have. I have done the same with pictures, journals and all other recorded evidence.

It would appear that I am a bit of a chameleon. I seem to change with the wind constantly adapting to my environment. I have because of this become a very eclectic person, a person that under the right conditions some would even call interesting. Unfortunately others tend to call me fake as I can swap personalities in the blink of an eye. I am very much me, a little apathetic on occasion, overly compassionate when the situation calls for it and always a bit crazy.

I have a pretty bad track record when it comes to relationships, all relationships. Anyone I have ever truly loved I have lost. My granny when I was 11, My grandfather (Boppa) when I was 13, a childhood friend was killed in a drive by when I was 16 and my favorite cousin died a prisoner of war before I turned 18 (I found out several years later). Since adulthood I have lost the other set of grandparents, my brother, a lover, several friends and family members on September 11th and most recently my daughter at 5 months of age. Because of this and a similarly bad record of people walking away I do not trust in love, I generally don't trust anything.

A lot of therapy and meditation has brought about the first hopes of change. I am still very much afraid to love or to be loved, however I can now accept it, scary as it is. And for the first time in my adulthood I can accept the possibility that the man I love just might be in it for the long haul.

Much more interesting blogs to follow, this has been one of those weeks and I just haven't felt very creative.

Improvement in my mental state.

For anyone who has ever lost a child there are certain breakthroughs from time to time. The last real improvement for me was a little over a year ago, I finally quit waking up sobbing nightly. Tonight while going through old pictures I found a random disc, I popped it into the lappy and transferred the picture files. They were pictures of my late daughter.

At first I was too shocked to really look at them, then I found videos from her first two days of life. Since she passed away I've had this horrible picture of her in my mind, one that I could not shake. When I would think of her or look at her photos I would see her in either memories or film doing whatever it was she was doing but she always looked like she did the morning I found her. For those of you who have never seen a baby without any life in them thank whatever God you may worship. It is a terrible, evil sight. It is the only thing I have seen in years now when thinking of my baby. Tonight when I discovered those videos I was terrified to actually watch them but at the same time I couldn't stop myself.

I turned on the video that captured the first few minutes of her life after birth and for the first time since she passed I saw her as she lived. It was a beautiful, precious moment to have that part of her back, to be able to think of my daughter and picture her tiny face filled with life. I cried, I made my best friend come look at the video with me while I held onto him with so many emotions coursing through me all at the same time.

You are probably looking at this with a bit of confusion, perhaps wondering why I would feel it necessary to share such a story. Well here are my reasons. First of all, being able to look at a picture of my daughter without seeing death on her face gives me a feeling of wonderment. Secondly, there is always the chance however small that this blog will be seen by someone who has also lost a child and while they're particular grief may very well not be as mine, perhaps knowing that it is possible to not get over, but to accept will help them in some way.

To anyone who shares with me the loss of a son or a daughter I would like to say, while you will always suffer some form of grief, you will one day reach a point where you can smile when you think of your child. It isn't easy, it doesn't happen anywhere near fast enough, but it does happen.

Tonight I will go to sleep with a picture of the lively, happy baby that for such a short time was my entire world in my mind. Tomorrow I will wake up, thank the divine for this gift of relief and take another tiny step on the road to recovery.

Day 13

Haven't slept since the last post, not at all... I have however somehow taught myself how to make some absolutely adorable crocheted rings, I believe I will be making a fairly decent amount for the fourth of July heritage festival. We'll see how that goes. 

Clearly either I was right and there are so few people any God would want on this earth that we didn't notice the prophesied rapture or there was no rapture... Either way I'm still here and still knitting/crocheting away sans sleep.

I have discovered that my general feeling of apathy is returning for everything but yarn and food. This disturbs me as I have spent the last few years trying to break away from that mindset. Ah well, no use crying over spilled milk eh? Perhaps once I sleep I will get out of this funk.

The seven little kittens now have teeth and are walking, not much longer and I will be able to reclaim the house and my allergies will thank  me for it...

I would kill someone for some pollo fundido and a fried ice cream. Oh and diet coke and maybe coffee. Clearly I need more caffeine, but maybe I should just leave it be and perhaps get some sleep tonight. Tomorrow I can go on a search for coffee, diet coke and maybe a lemon ice while I'm at it. 

  

 

Can't sleep, clowns will eat me...

Day eleven of insomniatic hell, no I don't care that insomniatic is not a real word and you wouldn't either if you had spent eleven days getting less than three hours sleep per night.

I'm sleepy, cranky and hurting everywhere. I'm in the mood to fight with someone and will probably end up doing just that when the significant other wakes up and reads my hateful email... I didn't intend to be hateful but I was.

Along with the lack of sleep there has been a lack of interest in food... I have barely been able to choke down one meal per day, for anyone that has ever spent any time around me this would be by far the most shocking thing I could say, I haven't even wanted coffee. Maybe it is time to go see the doctor...

Now on the upswing, I have successfully lost the ten or so pounds that I've been meaning to drop and the lack of sleep has allowed time for several projects I had been putting off. I just have to hope that I don't doze off while knitting and poke out an eye.

Chocolate cake, that I would like, that would be tasty. Is it worth it to me to go and dig out the ingredients, mix and bake said cake at 4:36 am? I think not. I do however think that later this afternoon I will gravitate towards the kitchen and attempt to make a black beast sans spring form pan.

Well I'm out of smokes, guess it's time to go on an adventure to the car and start digging, pretty sure I hid a partial pack from myself in there.

A scrap yarn rug...

I have found that rugs of any quality or visual appeal have reached astronomical prices of late. I don't care either way about money but I can't justify waste. I wanted an 8x10 rug for the living room's hardwood, cold floor and I did a lot of browsing only to come home tired and frustrated and without a rug.

I have this little obsession with knitting, perhaps you've heard about it. I like to knit illogical things, things that would be better made by weaving or leather or anything but yarn, it makes life fun. So I have decided that since I cannot find a rug I like for less than the cost of the yarn I would need to make one, I am going to go wipe out Walmart's craft section, you know, the place where they keep the super cheap, super sturdy yarn. It doesn't feel all that good and I am sure my fingers will complain the entire time about the low quality acrylic but I am now determined.

As soon as I get it started I will add pictures, I'm thinking about a minimum of 14 colors pieced together randomly in 8"x 16" sections. Wish me luck!

Be still my heart...

We all from time to time complain about our men, we call them emotionless, we call them dullards and we call them mindless horny toads. But every now and then they do or say something so contrary to those statements that you can't help but fall in love with them all over again.

My particular dullard has no problem with sharing his emotions, however he like any other can from time to time be a wretched man thing and make me question my sanity. This week he is going for the man of the year award though. He has written poems, played guitar for me, held me as though I were the most fragile china doll on the planet and made me feel like the only woman to ever draw breath.

He is convinced that there is little to nothing special about him, I am convinced he's pretty damn amazing. He asked how he was and I gave him my many reasons. He then tells me, "Now let me tell you about you" and proceeds to do so. Thankfully we were on chat so I have it for all times, just in case he changes his mind later MUAHAHAHA

From our chat messages:
You have mastered the art of false apathy, if one didn't know better they would believe you to care for nothing or no one, but I see beyond that I know who you are inside and can feel, physicaly feel your presence and your emotions. From the first moment I laid eyes on you I was blown away, you had those eyes that just cut through my soul, when I look into them I can see all things past present and future, its almost like a moment of clairvoyance where all becomes clear and right in the universe.

Damn but I do love that man... Alright, I'm done gushing for now, at least in public. -winks-

Self help for the dense

I mean this in the nicest way, really I do, but sometimes I wonder if some people truly deserve my time.

Details are not terribly important so I'm going to forgo most of them and give you a rough outline instead.

A man and a woman have been together for five years, they have two children together. Over the five years the woman who albeit is young has left, has cheated and has spent most of her time trying to convince the man that he doesn't deserve her. Well lo and behold the man now agrees with her! He now feels he deserves to be treated like a man, to be loved and respected and cared for and he knows she cannot do that.

He told her it was over and tried to leave, she sucked him back. He tried to leave again and she turned his family against him. She now has come to me about the matter and wants me to make it all just go away. I should mention the man in question is my best friend.

I spent all of last night dealing with her while she slung snot and cried about how she loved and needed him, with a couple of hour break in there dealing with him crying about how he couldn't stand to be around her. At around 7 this morning I finally drifted off to sleep for about 4 hours.

By noon she was back on IM with me again slinging snot. I had an entirely too long email from her in my inbox that I was trying to read while dealing with her and talking to a friend of his on the phone. Somewhere along the way he logged onto IM and started talking to me as well, and I still hadn't finished the damn email. By 3 she had thankfully talked herself out and I was allowed to read the email without interruption and respond to it.

During the IM conversation I told her all of the things she needed to do to maintain any sort of friendship with him and all of the things she would need to do if there was to ever be a chance for them to get back together. I swear I would have had an easier time making my cats understand what I was saying.

I'm tired, frustrated and have lost a lot of my faith in human intelligence.

A bakery...

So, a friend and I have for a few years been talking about opening a bakery, well, a bakery/cafe/coffee shop/tea house. At the end of the day there really is no good way to describe it without taking several hours of your time, but I'm going to try.

For people that don't know Lisa and I you will need a bit more information about us as individuals and as a set.

Lisa spent part of her childhood in Africa, her maternal side is made up of missionaries and other Christian types. She was raised with a very strong Christian mindset and a determination to help others.

I was raised in the Catholic church and walked away from it. I was one of the forgotten children, abusive family, drugged out mother, that sort of thing.

Strangely enough with our extremely different backgrounds and a rather large age gap we somehow became very close. We also share the same views regarding charity, community support, and life in general.

This business idea has been kicked around for about three years pretty regularly and has repeatedly been put on the back burner as marriage, jobs, family and the like demanded our time and consideration. Not much has changed, our families, significant others, jobs, friends and about everything else still monopolize most of our time and try our patience at every chance, however we are both committed to making an effort to see this through and due to certain events of the last few months this has now become an actual priority for us both.

Our goal, the hope we have for this, is to eventually be able to employ 2-3 people, make a real difference in the community (a very small town with little in it) and be able to use part of the profit to support the causes that hit home for us.

Some have called us hippies, some have called us liberal bleeding hearts, and others have called us simply crazy. I prefer not to subscribe to a title but instead to accept the fact that I am a bit unusual, embrace my occasional insanity, and move forward.

The idea for this business began to take shape when we were sitting on the patio after work one night and complaining because no businesses were currently open and, even if they were there was no place to get a decent cup of coffee, much less a fresh donut. I am an avid food nut, I require real, good, filling food. Both of us love to cook and bake and we started joking about how we should just open a coffee shop and be done with it. We laughed about the idea and went on with our night, however, it stuck in the backs of our minds, and from time to time when we had little else to do we would again talk about it and go through recipes and the like. We have yet to solidify a true business plan but it is in the works. We have also neglected to decide exactly how we will market the place. There are several car and motorcycle groups that frequent the local area from March through November and there is a fairly decent amount of money to be made by catering to that type. We also have what we call the river rats, people who come to the area to raft/kayak, hike and camp. This is another market to target, also with a very real possibility of success. We then have to consider possible local clientele which would consist largely of weddings, showers and funerals. Again this is a very small town and there is very little besides weddings, births and funerals going on from a locals perspective. This leaves us with the option of A) going with the motorcycle/car groups, specializing in cookies, cakes and the like, B) going with the river rat types and focusing on whole foods, C) focusing on the locals which puts us at wedding cakes, lollipop cookies and sandwiches, or D) all of the above and praying we don't go so deep in debt that we can never get out. I'm a bit of an optimist, I believe option D to be the most likely candidate for success, I'm also the pushy one and therefore more likely to convince Lisa that it is in fact the best way to go and be the one to blame if we sink.

Now in the event that we somehow manage to get this off the ground and start turning an actual profit, then we have a whole new set of crazy ideas. These ideas run from handmade candles to knitted goods, homemade jellies and specialty catering, perhaps even at some point other local crafts and such, not to mention our pet charities and projects. Neither of us care much about money except for the possibilities it opens up, and it opens up a lot of them. I would like to see us reach a point where we can not only help to support the community but reach out to other communities in our region, I don't believe in hand outs, but a helping hand, well that's a bit different. I also like to believe that most people are innately good and that if they see two admittedly crazy women able to succeed with this crazy idea and able to give back to the community it will open there minds up a bit and perhaps allow them to reach for their dreams.   

More to follow as this progresses, for now though I need to get back to work on the charts.

Forgetting

I don't want to linger
Too long on the past
I wish to be free
So I'm making this the last

I'm forgetting
Because all of this is wrong
It can't be healthy
To mourn you so long

Final decision
and I won't cry
I scream Sono libero!
As my mind soars to the sky

A sappy moment

The smile never given.
The kiss never received.
The feelings never known.
The words unbelieved.

The hope lost forever.
Never to be found.
The shattered bits of memories.
That crash to the ground.

The lies sharp like daggers.
Piercing through my skin.
The emotions welling up.
Sealed deep within.

The screams that went unnoticed.
The cries left unheard.
The echoing sound of footsteps.
As you left without a word.

The tears that went unseen.
An innocent heart shattered.
A dream never realized.
But what does it matter?

The love drowned in shadows.
Never to be known.
An eternity of darkness.
Doomed to be alone.

I cared as much as I said I did.
That much was always true.
And the one thing that won't die with me..
Is my love for you.

If I had my life to live over

I'd dare to make more mistakes next time. I'd relax, I'd limber up. I would be sillier than I've been this trip. I would take fewer things seriously, take more chances, take more trips. I'd climb more mountains, and swim more rivers. I would eat more ice cream and less beans. I would perhaps have more actual troubles, but I'd have fewer imaginary ones. You see, I'm one of those people who lived seriously, sanely, hour after hour, day after day. Oh, I've had my moments, and if I had it to do over again, I'd have more of them. I've been one of those persons who never goes anywhere without a thermometer, a hot-water bottle, a raincoat, and a parachute. If I had to do it again, I would travel lighter than this trip. If I had my life to live over, I would start going barefoot earlier in the spring, and stay that way later in the fall. I would go to more dances, I would ride more merry-go-rounds. I would pick more daisies.

Knitting, why we do it

People have been coming up to me with incredulous looks asking me why i started knitting for several months now. I've been told that it was the last hobby they would expect me to take up, that with my lack of patience they can't imagine me being able to sit still that long, and all sorts of other things. Each of us yarn loving types have our own reasons for doing what we do mine are as follows:

1) It's soothing. You don't have to think about what your doing so long as it's a simple piece.

2) While not by any stretch of the imagination is it a cheap hobby, it's also not that expensive and in the end there is something to show for it which can't be said of going to the movies or bowling or a great variety of other pastimes.

3) Once you get started you can slip into a meditative state which allows you to without bias consider any number of things including your life in it's current state. When not bogged down with all of the troubles you may or may not have you can truly appreciate the good things in your life.

4) Since I started knitting I have met several men and women that knit as well and made a couple of new friends that I would probably never have had any reason to talk to had it not been for our mutual love of yarn.

5) It's a handy skill to have, you never know when the day may come that you'll be grateful that you are capable of making yourself warm clothes.

There are a great many reasons as to why we knit and or crochet I have my sister to thank for mine, if she had not been so adamant that I learn I would probably still be gawking at people while they sit quietly or wander through stores knitting, now I smile and tilt my head as I double check my current row to be sure that when I noticed my neighboring knitter I didn't miss a stitch.  And now that I've had my break it's back to the blanket that my newest nephew will be receiving this weekend!

Melts...

Sitting here minding my own business and sorting through ravelry posts I get an IM from the love of my life. We chat for a while, (he's at work and has very little else to do) and then I watch the infuriating -name here- is typing pop up and disappear for a few minutes before minimizing the window, not long after that he sends the message and I open it back up only to find tears welling and a smile spreading across my face, I read it three times and still could not find words. All I could do was sit here like a silly teenager mooning over the captain of the football team. Anyway I just had to share it with the world.



Two hearts beating in sync,
Two breaths become one.
Two bodies moving in tandem,
Never missing a beat.
Keeping time to a song
That no other can hear.
Slowly, softly surrendering
All of one to the other,
And the other to one.
Becoming a single being,
Mind body and spirit.
No sound to be heard
But the gentle moaning
Of their own mouths.
A soft brush of a hand,
Gently caressing the outside
But touching the inside,
The soul of each.
Together we become more,
Than the sum of our parts
Together we are one.